New Year's Resolution

Wow, I can't believe its been an entire semester since I last blogged. I can't believe how quickly the semester has flown by. But, I was talking to a friend yesterday and he said that he checked my blog the other day..which means that something still rings within the blogger world. I also realized that this is one of the easiest ways for everyone to know what I'm up to in Miami instead of having to tell the same story a hundred times. So this is one of my New Year's Resolutions: I am going to try to blog more about the amazing things that God is doing in my life. He has definitely been so good to me, especially recently. This has been a difficult Christmas break to see the least, but I have been constantly reminded of His grace and goodness this entire month.

I have recently fallen in love with Max Lucado's writing. I bought Scooter's Christmas present and decided it wasn't very proper to give someone a book for Christmas that you yourself have never read, so I decided to read it, too. I guess if he somehow stumbles across this, the element of surprise for his gift will be ruined, but I doubt he'll read this since he "hates technology." Anyway, I'm reading Its Not About Me and its proven, in the first few chapters that I have read, to be exactly what God wanted me to hear. Its NOT about me; its not about how much I want to hold onto Tallahassee; its not about watching people grow up from a distance and wishing I could be there with them; instead, its all about His glory and His majesty. Y'all all know that I have struggled every time I come home to regain the zealous desire to return to Miami that I had at the beginning of this chapter in my life. This Christmas break has been different. God has broken the tight grasp I held on my life in Tallahassee telling me to wake up and smell is glory. My life is for His glory, not for mine. Surprisingly, Max Lucado actually talks about pain in this book...something we all try to avoid. He says very blatantly:

If we are the marquee event, how do we explain flat-earth challenges
like death, disease, slumping economies, or rumbling earthquakes?
If God exists to please us, then shouldn't we always be please?

If I live in a world where I want to be the central focus, there is no way for me to explain what happens to me; no way to explain the hurt, the frustration, the heart-ache. BUT, if I live in a world that is focused on God, then I can explain the hurt, the frustration, the heart-ache. Everything that happens to me happens because God wants to be pleased. God uses the situations in my life to please Him, even though I may not always be pleased. He brings glory from pain. We sing all the time:

He brings beauty from ashes

Strength from fear

Gladness from mourning

Peace from despair.

If I was really able to step outside of myself, I would see that my life revolves around being part of His glorious plan. Part of a plan that He set up long before time began and will carry out until the end of time. This leaves the question, what do I want to do? Do I want to sit by and focus on a world where I think I should be number one, or do I want to be a reflection of the One who is Number One?


The moon models our role. She generates no light. Contrary to the lyrics of the song, this harvest moon cannot shine on. Apart from the sun, the moon is nothing more than a pitch-black, pockmarked rock. But, properly position, the moon beams let her do what she was made to do, and a clod of dirt becomes a source of inspiration, yea, verily, romance. The moon reflects the greater light. And she's happy to do so!...The moon is at peace in her place. And because she is, soft light touches a dark earth. What would happen if we accepted our place as Son reflectors?

All that for a loss?

This ones for all my lovely friends back home so they know EXACTLY what went down yesterday. And after all this, we lost... feel my pain, friends, feel my pain. (I know this post is bound to bring a lot of negative comments, but oh well) .

Friday: Woke up feeling really sick.
Saturday: Sicker still
Sunday:
7:30- So sick I couldn't even get out of bed for church.
12:30- Probed by Sammy as to whether I was going to be well enough to go to the game. The response: "No, but yes!'
Monday:
11:00- Woke up feeling kinda yucky. Brunch was really yummy though
12:00- Attempted homework with Sarah...quite unsuccesful.
2:00- Learning to play Smash Brothers with Sarah. I think its more fun to just hit buttons and see what happens, but apparently there is an actual rime and reason to the game.
4:00- Leave for the Orange Bowl! Woohoo
4:15- Arrive at the metro station and quickly informed that the people with the free metro passes weren't there yet.
4:20- Consensus finally arrived that we were going to just pay to go to the Orange Bowl
4:22- Waiting and waiting and waiting for the metro
4:45- FINALLY the metro arrives. Take the long trip to the bus station.
5:15-Finally arrive at the Orange Bowl. Push our way through the crowds to get to the Student Entrance.
5:16- Informed that the gates will not be opening until 6 PM. More waiting
5:20- Raining starts. Now, for those of you who watched it on TV, the rain during the second half did not even compare to what we stood in.
5:35- Someone lights a cigarette right by me...nauscious feeling begins. Evan asks if they would put it out because Sarah and I were alergic; request completely ignored.
6:30- FINALLY make it into the Orange Bowl after being stepped on, pushed around, and holding on for dear life.
7:00- Go to get dinner and realize they dont take debit cards at the Orange Bowl. Scrounge up some cash and buy dinner.
7:55- Singing on the UM Alma Mater and the National Anthem.
8:00- KICK OFF!!!
9:05- Being feeling nautious all over again either from the cigarette smoke or the lovely smell of some illegal substance.
10:00- Half time...leave the stands to get away from the cigarette smoke...quite certain I'm going to throw up.
10:30-Rain starts all over again. Orange Bowl stands change from Orange and Green to other tandom colors of ponchos such as blue and yellow.
11:45- Defeat :0(
12:00- Start waiting for a bus...almost get seperated from my friends
1:25- Finally make it back to our dorms
2:00- Sleep, still quite sick and nauscious
Tuesday:
8:45- Wake up, shower, pretend I'm awake...attend class until 3:15
11:00- Informed by Sandy that our fish died :0( Melissa blames it on the loss.

And with all that...I'll still attend every home game and still cheer for the Hurricanes because....


ITS GREAT TO BE A MIAMI HURRICANE!!!!!!!!!!

"and most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling again in my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you"

Baby-Dirty Dancing

Once again, I've attempted this post about 4.6 billion times and every time, I can't come up with anything coherent to say. It feels like de ja vu all over again, except that I think last year at this time I was more excited than upset, but this year, I'm more sad than anything. I asked Leah the other day why something so within the will of God could hurt so bad. I think its not normal to count down the days until I come home, but refuse to count down the days until Miami. I've been sitting here moping for a week now about how I just don't want to go back to Miami, and then I was reminded of something. Remember this song:

Our God reigns

Our God reigns

Forever His kingdom reign

Our God reigns

For me, summertimes feels like a small child boarding her very first plane, all alone. The things that are her security are standing there, right along beside her, holding her hand and saying "it'll be OK...we love you and we're here for you." But as the plane takes off down the runway and then into the sky, her security keeps getting smaller and smaller until it is just a speck as she looks over the vast sky into the horizon. Thats what summertime is for me. I feel like I get a small glimpse of something that I love so much and in an instant, its slowly fading off into the distance, and I know it will be a while before I see it again. This feeling scares me, the feeling of unknown. The feeling of leaving the people I love and never feeling again the way I feel now. I've cried, I've shouted at God, I've done a lot of things and then God gently took me by the hand and reminded me of that simple little chorus that we sang at Student Life: "Our God reigns." He whispered to me: "Child, I know what I'm doing. You know those people standing on the runway with you telling you 'We've got you, you're safe and we love you' those people are going to be there for you, but you have to let go." Yuck, letting go? Letting go of my youth...yah right...thats one of the hardest things I will have to do. Letting go of the closest and best friends a girl could possibly ask for? Harder still. I feel like this makes no sense, this leaving business, but then God reminded me...those people, your security, they watch you leave and you watch them with all your might, but who is the one that once you can't see them anymore is right there for you? That be Me. We have been blessed with a God that is so much bigger than anything we could possibly imagine. For Him to get from Tallahassee to Miami He doesn't even have to move a muscle. Why than, am I so scared to leave? I've seen the fruits of God's labor in friendship when I left last year, so why am I still so scared of friendships disappearing? I guess it all boils down to the feeling...the feeling I have when I'm home with friends. The amazing feeling of comfort and sheer happiness. Nothing tops this feeling, and its going to be a hard feeling to replace in Miami. But, I'm going, tears and all, and I will be back sooner than you might even realize :o)

It's going to be hard

I've started this post over again like five times now...so until I figure out what it really is that I want to say...I'll answer the two questions that I get asked most often:

I'm leaving August 18th (or 19th)...depending on what my roomie and I decided to do

And yes, I am going back to Miami because through a whole whole bunch of prayer, God has not told me any differently. Until He tells me to stay, I have to follow His leading on my life, as hard as it is sometimes.

Thats all ;o) Yep, shortest post you'll ever see from me. I'll figure out my random emotions soon and post more ;o)

Freedom :o)

On the 4th of July we take the time to remember that we live in a free country; a freedom that was obtained through war, blood, sweat, and tears. As contradictory as this sounds, freedom does not come without some sort of "price" to it. America had to fight for the freedom in which we now so lavishly live. Far too seldom do we take the time to think about that; that our great great great great (add however many more are neccesary) grandfathers fought off tyranny so that we truly could live in an independent nation.

Driving home today after watching yet another amazing fireworks display with a peacefully sleeping baby in the back seat, I was thinking about freedom. About personal freedom, about our nation's freedom, and then God once again gently whisphered into my ear "Remember the freedom that I bring." John 8:32 says "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you FREE." And that truth? That the Almighty Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Lord of Lords, The Ruler of Heaven and Earth...that Amazing God left His high place in heaven to come down to live a lowly life to pay that price that freedom costs. Just like the price that the American soldiers payed so long ago so that I can receive an education, freely worship, and be who I want to be without fear of punishment, Christ waged war against the very things that held me in captivity. Through blood, sweat, and tears, Christ once and for all payed the debt that we owed because of sin so that the bondage that prevented our true freedom could forever be shattered, wrecked, ruined, completely demolished! And what "price" do we have to pay for this freedom? I always wondered what it would be like to let someone I love go off to war...to fight knowing they might never return...would I be willing to do that? To be in the thick of the blood, sweat, and tears? And thats the amazing part about Christ's freedom...we don't have fight the fight. We would never be adequate enough to fight it...we are too powerless. And thats why He said that He'd pay it...because only he is powerful enough to fight this fight. All we have to do is accept it. Like a small child eagerly waiting to open her presents on her birthday, we simply have to hold out our hands and say "Thats what I want." Accept it, nothing more, nothing less...and then the whole concept of "Independence Day" will radically change within your heart!

Taking a break

So....I decided I'd take a break from starting these 50 paper plate shakers for preschool music tomorrow and update this thing. What can I say? Its been amazing to be home. I guess I just never realized how much I miss friends and family until I come back and am fully submersed in them again. One of the things that God has really placed on my heart recently is how much I took y'all for granted. I talked to some people about it (cough cough...Janelle) and others I had intentions and the timing was just never right. But...I'm sorry :o(...I think I just always knew that you guys would be around no matter what so it didn't seem "pressing" at the time to talk to y'all. What a jerk, huh? I know...I love y'all so very much and I love being home. Part of me is actually praying that God would tell me He wanted me to transfer to FSU (haha..don't tell my Miami friends that ;o)) but I know that (at least for right now) UM is where God wants me to be. So, I'm learning to savour the few precious minutes each day and the few precious months that I have with you guys. Its a work in progress...but I am learning to appreciate the amazing friends and the amazing talks and the non-stop "dates" and fun things that I have going on. No one knows me like y'all do (not even the people that put up with my day in and day out for 9 months in Miami ;o)) and God is definitely teaching me how to appreciate each hug, each smile, each quick glance, and each small word. He's showing me how to love the moments at youth on Sunday, the crazy Sunday mornings, and is constantly telling me to not take advantage and to savour every moment at Student Life Camp and every encounter this summer. No one compares to Tallahassee people and nothing compares to Tallahassee memories!! (Wow, this was not intentionally a really sappy entry)

Anyway....VBS is this week! I'm once again doing preschool music (amazing, I know). Its going to be a fun week and my very beautiful niece is coming to VBS this week...so y'all finally get to meet most of my family! Nolan and Heather and John will be at the picnic on Sunday! Yay. Maddie's pretty much "scared" of David..except we talked about it on the way home and she's not scared of him anymore and she said she'd even sit with the Kuder family and have lunch on Sunday...she's weird...don't ask...but always so beautiful. Thats the big happening of this week. Got thrown into music at the last second and am now effectively helping with the older kid's praise team too! Such is summer, huh? Its fast, its crazy, its exciting, and its over before you know it :o(

I'm horrible....

I know, I really stink at this blogging thing. I guess its just that now I'm actually with the people that normally keep up with me through blogging, so I don't feel like I have to do it quite as much. Life has definitely been crazy since I've gotten home. That was quite possibly the longest four months of my life, but I can proudly say that I got all A's my second semester at UM and finally made it through the first year :o). Only two-ish more to go...wow, time sure flies.

These first two weeks of being home have been amazing. Reuniting with Tamara was supposed to go quite differently than it did, but I don't care...it's just good to be back with those who know me best. Pictures will follow once Tamara gets back from Ireland since they're on James' computer but not mine (even though they're pictures of me and her....don't ask). But, I don't want this to be a "this is what I have been doing since being home...blah blah blah" post because you all know what I've been doing...and well, if you don't...then either you need to really hang out with me ;o) or you should just call me on one of those four nights a week I'm working...so, I'll give this some more depth and substance :o)

One of the many things that God has been teaching me lately is that I need to stop "finalizing" the plans in my life because I really don't know what life holds, only He does. He constantly asks me to rely on Him to put together the pieces of my life because He's my Creator and who knows creation better than their Creator?? No one...really...at all, not even the creation itself. Too often I figure that I know whats best. I think "Oh, this friendship will never be what its supposed to be again, too much time has elapsed", or "this guy is perfect for me" or "well, I just know exactly how my schooling is going to go" etc etc. and I've been realzing that things change...constantly because God is molding the pieces of my life together in his perfect timing. And this often means allowing me to go through situations that test my faith in trusting God with every intimate detail of my life. Friendships that I thought were dull and dried up have been revived in the short time that I've been home, God has definitely changed my heart about guys in my life, and I'm pretty sure I still have no idea what's going on with education. And you know what, I'm OK with that. Three months is a long time to be away from Miami and the stresses that living away from home holds and I'm truly praying that this time will serve to bring me not only closer to the ones that I love so much, but also the One that deserves all my love and attention. (Hey, y'all can pray with me about that one!!) :o)

So, you know whats fun to say at the end of a post: "I'll see you tomorrow!!" I love the feelings of knowing that I will see most of you tomorrow :o) Love y'all